Salted Feet

Of the things I hate most in life, mosquitos have got to rank near the top.

I didn't think about bringing bug spray to the drive-in, it's not something you really consider when you're going to the movies. But here I am, woken up at seven in the morning by my seven bites, two of which are on the bottom of my foot. (Terrible location, I tell you.)

I couldn't find my tiger balm, so I ended up looking up home remedies online. It's amazing how much stuff people have tried. Garlic salt, baking powder, toothpaste, deodorant... even bleach? People must be really desperate!

I suppose I am too... so 10 minutes later I'm in the bathroom rubbing table salt into my itchiness. It worked actually and salt scrubs are always kinda nice.

... oh to be at an ocean soaking my feet in the salt water.

why am I still jealous?

I wish I could be at peace with the life I've already lived. It's already so much more than I ever expected to have.

I remember growing up being jealous of my sister only to discover that she had been jealous of me the whole time too. There's so much we could have helped each other through at home if we had been able to look past ourselves and care about each other.

I never think that my jealousy towards friends affects my friendships; but at some level, it has to.

I've been very non-committal in most of my friendships because of my fears of rejection and self-doubt, but someday I hope I can be a real friend to all the people I come in contact with. No more of this self-pity.

Hello my friend
I remember when you were
So alive with your wide eyes
Then the light that you had in your heart was stolen
Now you say that it ain't worth stayin'
You wanna run but you're hesitatin'
I'm talkin' to me

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it
There's a girl on the streets, she's cryin'
There's a man whose faith is dyin'
Love is calling you

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

Why do we go with the flow
Or take an easier road?
Why are we playin' it safe?
Love came to show us the way
Love is a chance we should take
I'm movin' out of the way

Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
(Stand out)
Don't let your lights go down
Don't let your fire burn out
(Stand out)
'Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don't you rise up now?
Don't be afraid to stand out
That's how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it

I have no doubt that I made my own choice to follow Christianity as my own faith and not just because I grew up in a Christian family with Christian parents, but when I start having the inevitable doubts and questions of someone seeking not to follow religion blindly, I wonder how much my ability/decision to stick with Christianity is from my own faith and how much it comes from not wanting to disappoint or upset my parents.

How much does the chinese culture affect my perceptions of Christianity?

My dreams this past year have been particularly vivid... last night's were rather solemn.

I had a dream about being lonely. Nothing dramatic, but just walking into a crowded lunchroom full of everyone I'd ever known from my pre-college years. I looked around and realized there was nobody that would want to call me over to their table, and nobody I was close enough to that I would feel comfortable just going over to and sitting with. Then the awkward moment of trying to figure out what I wanted to do, wanting to just disappear or find a nook to be by myself in. It wouldn't have been so bad if the lunchroom hadn't been full of people I recognized or people that were supposed to be my friends in years past.

It was such a familiar feeling... of being unwanted and alone. But it's been at least a year since I've experienced that in real life. Why dream about it?

I also had a dream about a guy friend flirting with me and trying to get me to be close with him. He was a friend that I was comfortable with and had known for a while. I liked him as a friend but was uncomfortable with him trying to make us something more, especially since I had a boyfriend that I loved and cared about. I sent him away.

Now this dream, I know why I had. It was comforting finally having a dream where I made the faithful decision. After making a rash decision over a year ago, it's been hard for me to be able to trust myself. I did something I never thought I could do, how could I know I wouldn't do something like that again?

How much of the guilt I've experienced in life is actually a reflection of who I am and how much is just my poor estimation of myself and a lack of experiencing God's grace?

Funny how cleaning makes me feel dirty.

Don't stab me

I think I've found the name of another one of my maladies.

Last night, after a few hours of sitting on the couch, I was feeling a bit stiff, so I took a biiiig stretch and oh, it felt nice, until the stretch was over and the pain stabbed me in the chest. First thought? 'Mgnph! not again.' Close eyes, breath shallowly... 'I wonder how long it'll last this time?'

When I talk to doctor dad about it, he always says it's probably a small fracture in my ribs that is aggravated by pressure or sudden movement and all I needed was some rest.

I figured I'd try looking it up this time though... to see if there was anything else I could do to make the pain go away. Whether or not Wikipedia is the place to go for medical issues is definitely debatable, but I found a page describing Precordial catch syndrome:

And read these words: "Although deep inhalation during a PCS attack will likely cause an increase in pain, many have found that forcing themselves to breathe as deeply as possible will result in a "popping" or "ripping" sensation which quickly and completely resolves the PCS episode."

Well... why not? I guess I could try that. Deep breath in, deep breath ouu.... ch! Three failed attempts later I was ready to just go sleep it off. It hurt too much to actually complete the whole breath out. But lying down seemed to make it worse. So one more time... Deep breath in, deep breath... out.

All the pain was gone. Nice! Smile. Sleep.