My dreams this past year have been particularly vivid... last night's were rather solemn.

I had a dream about being lonely. Nothing dramatic, but just walking into a crowded lunchroom full of everyone I'd ever known from my pre-college years. I looked around and realized there was nobody that would want to call me over to their table, and nobody I was close enough to that I would feel comfortable just going over to and sitting with. Then the awkward moment of trying to figure out what I wanted to do, wanting to just disappear or find a nook to be by myself in. It wouldn't have been so bad if the lunchroom hadn't been full of people I recognized or people that were supposed to be my friends in years past.

It was such a familiar feeling... of being unwanted and alone. But it's been at least a year since I've experienced that in real life. Why dream about it?

I also had a dream about a guy friend flirting with me and trying to get me to be close with him. He was a friend that I was comfortable with and had known for a while. I liked him as a friend but was uncomfortable with him trying to make us something more, especially since I had a boyfriend that I loved and cared about. I sent him away.

Now this dream, I know why I had. It was comforting finally having a dream where I made the faithful decision. After making a rash decision over a year ago, it's been hard for me to be able to trust myself. I did something I never thought I could do, how could I know I wouldn't do something like that again?

How much of the guilt I've experienced in life is actually a reflection of who I am and how much is just my poor estimation of myself and a lack of experiencing God's grace?