Monday, June 15, 2009

Confronting the Past

I've spent a lot of time these past couple years confronting my distant past. The past of childhood hurts and disappointments that my heart still will not let go. But now I'm wondering when to face things that are more recent...

Cleaning out my UofM webmail, I came upon some letters i had saved. Letters from someone I haven't talked to since last summer when we broke up. I've been angry about the ways I've felt hurt by him. It's felt so wrong, having a broken relationship in my life, having someone that I don't talk to anymore for reasons other than just drifting apart. But even so, I couldn't even bring myself to want to talk to him again. 

Reading those letters, now, after the emotions have subsided makes me realize how much my perception at that time was being controlled by own anger and frustration. Someday, I feel like an apology needs to be made. Not just for the big wrong that set off the storm, but for how I reacted afterwards. 

My dad says I should just leave it in the past. He doesn't think anything good could come out of it. But I don't believe God wants anybody to live with broken relationships in their lives. It's like a chain, kinda... sometimes... 

I don't think I'd be ready for that now... but when would I ever be? I'm scared that all the old angers would just come right back up again and it will be like that last month, where nothing went anywhere good. How would I know if he was ready? How would I deal with my own hurts? After doing something that I can barely even forgive myself for... would it be fair for me to ask for an apology from him for the ways that I hurt? Last summer, his answer was no... and I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with being treated like I was the wrong thing with the relationship... is that just what would happen again?

Maybe in 10 years or so this will be just like those other things from my distant past... Things that hurt and just got left there, in my past.

2 comments:

  1. It might be good to try though ... yes?

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  2. Hey Sophia!

    (I clicked on your link from Facebook) and wow. I just wanted to let you know that I think you're a great blogger. I mean, I try myself, but I just end up blabbling. (So, keep it up!) Also, I've felt the same way once... when going through old things... but I never thought of it the way you do. Like a chain, hm?

    So, thanks, Sophia! :)

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