Leaving for Vegas tomorrow. It's strange. I've been more excited by the prospect of being somewhere new and trying new restaurants than by Vegas itself. An artificial environment exploding with consumer driven messages that tries to keep people inside and suck money out of them doesn't seem like the type of place I like to be. But then again... I guess that's everywhere. Just less subtle in Vegas land.

I am somewhat excited about the eccentricity though. It gets boring (and sometimes disconcerting) traveling to new places and finding that they're just about the same as every other tourist area. Or going to different suburbs and realizing that I can barely tell them apart from my own, even though I'm in a completely different state with a different culture. 

There was this one time last summer at the Thompson St. apartment where I was cooking and a fly somehow got in.... so I stunned it and flushed it down the toilet, kept cooking and realized there was still a fly... so I stunned it and flushed it down the toilet, kept cooking and realized there was yet another fly... so I did the same, kept cooking and realized there was another fly... you get the point. I think there were 6 before I decided to close all the windows. 

Seems like the same thing happens with Wilmot... cept today there was a little black wasp in the mix too. 

It's a little better than last year since there's no openings to the exterior directly from our kitchen, but a friend pointed out that there's a big gap between the balcony screen door and the glass door... whoever installed the door left off the brushy/rubber thing that usually covers that gap... One mistake that makes for a pretty useless screen door. 

Not so hot

Watching bright orange hot molten brass being poured from a crucible into a mold and feeling its heat from across the room makes the "caution, hot" sign in pierpont at the panini maker seem like child's play.

Confronting the Past

I've spent a lot of time these past couple years confronting my distant past. The past of childhood hurts and disappointments that my heart still will not let go. But now I'm wondering when to face things that are more recent...

Cleaning out my UofM webmail, I came upon some letters i had saved. Letters from someone I haven't talked to since last summer when we broke up. I've been angry about the ways I've felt hurt by him. It's felt so wrong, having a broken relationship in my life, having someone that I don't talk to anymore for reasons other than just drifting apart. But even so, I couldn't even bring myself to want to talk to him again. 

Reading those letters, now, after the emotions have subsided makes me realize how much my perception at that time was being controlled by own anger and frustration. Someday, I feel like an apology needs to be made. Not just for the big wrong that set off the storm, but for how I reacted afterwards. 

My dad says I should just leave it in the past. He doesn't think anything good could come out of it. But I don't believe God wants anybody to live with broken relationships in their lives. It's like a chain, kinda... sometimes... 

I don't think I'd be ready for that now... but when would I ever be? I'm scared that all the old angers would just come right back up again and it will be like that last month, where nothing went anywhere good. How would I know if he was ready? How would I deal with my own hurts? After doing something that I can barely even forgive myself for... would it be fair for me to ask for an apology from him for the ways that I hurt? Last summer, his answer was no... and I couldn't deal with that. I couldn't deal with being treated like I was the wrong thing with the relationship... is that just what would happen again?

Maybe in 10 years or so this will be just like those other things from my distant past... Things that hurt and just got left there, in my past.

57 Things to Do for Free in Harvard Square

http://www.ikatun.org/57/

I love things like this. It seems like people talk about how bored they are all the time. I wonder if its really the lack of things to do or the fact that people don't know how to think outside of what is conventional anymore... so when there's nothing conventional interesting enough to do anymore, we feel like there's nothing to do. 

I admit, there's a lot of pretty "stupid" stuff on the site, but... i bet they were well entertained, and I am entertained in the process. 

A lot of people have issues with Christianity because it sounds ridiculous to them and doesn't make logical sense. As someone who has grown up in the church, questioned my faith, rejected it for a while before coming back, and then believed again based on logical answers to my questions... I have the opposite problem with Christianity. A lot of times I feel like it makes too much sense and has too many easy answers to tough questions that work... (you know, like how anything that doesn't make sense in the natural realm can be explained by... well, it's God, he can do anything). Personally, I find that to be an easy out answer. Any other religion could claim the same logic with their deities. 

I just finished reading the book of Revelations. Definitely a book which raises a lot of questions about justice, sovereignty, and God. Here are some of my thoughts and many many questions:

-It was interesting to rethink Revelations as a "testimony of Jesus Christ" as mentioned in verse 2. Usually the book of Revelations is only thought about as a prediction of the future and not a place where one can really learn about Christ.

-I really liked the lampstand analogy with the lampstands representing the churches. It worked in terms of seeing God walking among the lampstands, but also how lampstands do not shine on their own but require oil. Churches often grow to see themselves as self-sufficient and forget to turn outside of themselves to God to get the oil they need to shine.

-Also liked the stars in the hand of God picture. Remembering that even when everything seems to be failing, the church is in God's hands and he knows what he's doing.

-Letters to the churches were mostly praise mixed with rebuke. It was a good reminder that God can see the little things that often we don't get credit for and wants to reward his people for those little successes. But looking at the faults written out about the churches it was surprising how many of the 'criticisims' were things that Christians are criticized for by those outside of the faith today. Being hypocrites, having a megachurch complex where the church is thriving but things could be going terribly wrong beneath the facade, all program and no content, and Christians not being any different than others (aka. what's the point). I think some of Christianity's critics would be pretty surprised to find that kind of rebuke right in the bible and straight from God. It also seems like maybe God is trying to use people criticizing the church to communicate his own displeasure with some of the things going on in churches today.

-Do we still keep and use our talents/skills in heaven or do we really just bow in worship and sing all day? For God to create such a diverse and gifted set of people it would seem really odd to me for heaven to be such a one action place, but it seems like that's the common conception... The idea that God's awesomeness will be so amazing that we wont want to do anything but praise Him in song and verbal proclamation all day...

-The points where God gives authority to Satan really baffle me. I guess it works as a test to see which people are truly faithful to God and not just accepting Him because it's easy and profitable for them... The commentary was all joyous about God being in control and being the one who gives authority and can take it away. It was also rejoicing over the fact that God in control can use evil like Satan to accomplish His will. That seemed kinda wrong to me. Almost like an ends justify the means logic. 

-I always hear Christians talk about how they are glad they wont have to cry when they reach heaven because their family is Christian, but if one can reach heaven without anyone worth crying for, sometimes I wonder how much one has been caring about others and trying to reach out to them. And in general, I think that comment is really unsympathetic to other Christians who are still in the midst of trying to reach out to their families. Sometimes I wonder about the no more tears in heaven thing though. It seems like such an important part of being human and I can't imagine a place full of humans without it.

-So what keeps people from sinning in heaven once its all said and done. I mean, we still have free will right? And 1/3 of the angels rebelled against God even while they were in heaven and immersed in God's presence?

-Revelations was a reminder to me that supernatural and miracles can come from both God and satan and care should be taken not to just go after every miracle as evidence of God's supernatural existence. 

-God sends plagues and disasters as a warning for people to turn and repent. At first read that's really reminiscent of torture. Causing pain to make someone go your way. For a world that doesn't believe in a supernatural God, how does that work anyways? Does the fact that God has delayed his wrath and judgment for thousands of years already to give humans a chance to repent and find Him really account for such seemingly harsh treatment? Sometimes I have to really remind myself of God's loving but just nature. People always question why God allows wrongdoing to thrive on earth, pain, etc... but if God really let his justice rule on earth nobody would measure up and everyone would deserve God's wrath by his perfect standards. The fact that Revelations is not the reality today is all grace, and the scary stuff in Revelations is what happens when people really get what they ask for. God stepping in to deal with the evil in the world.

-Also kinda comforting to remember that Satan was an angel and is really not God's direct opposition but is under God's authority. In Revelations, satan is often paired with the archangel Michael.

-It's interesting how false religion is pointed out as the big problem of religion in the end times. In the times where Revelations was written that would've been a pretty new concept. Their biggest problems were with idol worship and turning completely to other gods.

-Last comment is something I'd thought about before reading Revelations. I have mixed feelings about the idea of receiving in heaven based on what we do on earth. While I guess I do believe in being rewarded, I don't think that should ever be the motive for doing good, and so it seems strange to have the fact that there will be a reward spelled out in the bible. Why say there's a reward, why not just reward those who did so in the end? I guess it helps to display God's desire to give and also his attention to the good things we do.

I would provide a conclusion to tie it all together, but this post is long enough as it is. Whew.

There were many days this past year, i really wished I could go back to being four feet tall. So many less decisions to make, less responsibilities to be held accountable to and the future never seemed uncertain. This senior year, everything happening seemed to be asking the question 'what are you doing with your life?' 'where are you going?' It wasn't like the end of high school, when all these questions were exciting. Instead of wanting to answer the questions, I answered them because I had to, because the times came up when I had to decide.

Do I go to grad school? Where would I apply? Do I work? Who would want me? When do I even have time to be applying and searching? Where do I go? Where am I meant to go? What is a meaningful future to pursue? 

There was a certain peace that came with knowing that a God who cares and knows my purpose already had it all figured out. But my relationship with him this year has been... well... pretty terrible. It was hard to hear his comforting and guiding voice when all I could think about was my shame and all the things I've done that hurt him. I'm far from the good little church girl that some think i am, and it's hard to feel hopeful about the future at a time when I've never felt like more of a failure. It's kinda strange... feeling like a failure in the midst of attaining what most would consider great success. 'sophia, what are you talking about? you're going to harvard next year for crying out loud.' 

I guess it depends on what you value. To me security always comes from knowing I'm on the right path. Big name schools, having a job, good grades, having a plan for the future... all those things could easily fall apart and not be all they promise to be. But jobless, uncertain, rejected, and on the right path... I could still know there's a good future waiting.

God was faithful though. I guess that's no surprise for a God who promises to be faithful even when we are not. I've learnt that God is the only one who will not go back on his word, the only one who I can truly expect to keep his promises. I don't know how many times I've heard Christians asking, 'how do i know what God's will is? how do i know it's not just me hearing things that i want to hear?' I know I've asked that question. It's like we think it's this enigmatic puzzle that we have to struggle to solve. But its not like God is trying to hide his will; he wants us to know it. This grad school thing was one place where i felt like I could see God just laying out the bricks to the path. 

Although I'm terrified of heading back into studio so soon... I feel certain that it's where I'm called to go. I did struggle with the question of whether I just wanted Harvard to be the right answer because of my own pride and my own desire for the status it symbolizes, but its never been something I've sought after for myself. And of all the periods of my life, this year was probably the best one i could be in to be making the decision. Freshman through Junior years I learnt humility in realizing that there are so many other talented and amazing people that can do more than I could even imagine doing; but this year I learnt humility in realizing how weak I am... how much I don't really deserve to be blessed with admission to any top architecture programs. 

The first thing was the coincidence of a spring break internship in Boston. I chose to go there based on it being the only typical interning city where I had free lodging. There were no other really compelling reasons for me to want to be in such a cold place in the middle of winter, but maybe God had his own reasons. I... really liked it. It was the same sense I got when I first visited Ann Arbor and I knew it was somewhere I could see myself.

And then there was the strangeness of being admitted to Harvard but not Princeton, Yale, or Cornell (until later)... leaving the decision between Michigan and Harvard. In a way it felt like God saying 'look, you don't deserve this, your work is not even strong enough for these other architecture schools, but I'm opening this one door for you.' ...The fact that this happened to be the year where the ivy leagues decided to try to make their education more affordable also opened up the financial door... a surprise from a school I'd heard does not usually give out much money.

Lastly, all the places most people would turn to for advice about their futures pointed me the same way too. Advice from trusted friends, advisors, and professors who know my work pushed me to leave, to explore my potential at a school that satisfies my educational and career interests more than Michigan has.

The decision was actually a lot harder than I'm making it sound... and for a while Michigan was actually the better choice in my mind... but looking back, I see God working to help lead me in a certain direction. To those confused about God's will I would say to 'look and listen' because it's not so very hard to find.